The quiet power of our inner voice

In my work as a counsellor, and in my own personal journey, I’ve come to see just how powerful this inner voice can be.

What is negative self-talk?

Negative self-talk is the internal dialogue that criticises, judges, or diminishes us. It might sound like:

• “I’m stupid.”
• “I always get this wrong.”
• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
• “Everyone else copes better than me.”
• “There’s something wrong with me.”

For many people (and me, in the past), these thoughts aren’t questioned. They’re spoken internally as facts. Over time, they can shape our sense of self-worth and identity.

Often, this way of speaking to ourselves has roots in earlier experiences – criticism, neglect, emotional unavailability, or environments where we learned that love or safety depended on getting things ‘right’. The voice we hear inside can be an echo of voices we once heard outside.

My own experience of negative self-talk

For a long time, my inner voice referred to me as “stupid”. It slipped into my self-talk so naturally that I barely noticed it. If I made a mistake, I felt overwhelmed and lacking in skill or ability, or if didn’t understand something straight away, there it was – “Stupid”.

It was only when I really noticed it, when it was questioned by my therapist, that something shifted. Was I stupid? Did I really believe that? I realised that I actually did believe it, and it was holding me back.

And yet, when I paused and reflected, it simply wasn’t true.

That realisation was profound. I began to see how often I had been speaking to myself in ways I would never speak to someone I cared about. The words I used internally carried weight, and they shaped how I treated myself – which was almost never with care.

When I began to intentionally change the way I spoke to myself – with more compassion, patience, and curiosity – everything started to change. I became gentler with myself. Less harsh. Less judgemental.

And something else happened too.

As I softened towards myself, I found myself becoming more available to others. Treating myself with compassion made it easier to offer the same to those around me. Being less critical of myself naturally encouraged me to be less critical of others.

How negative self-talk affects us

When negative self-talk goes unchallenged, it can:

• Lower self-esteem and confidence
• Increase anxiety, shame, and self-doubt
• Keep us stuck in patterns of perfectionism or people-pleasing
• Make it harder to set boundaries
• Impact our relationships and how safe we feel being ourselves

Because this voice lives inside us, it can feel inescapable and real. Many people believe, “This is just how I am,” without realising that this is something that can be explored, understood, and changed.

Working with negative self-talk in person-centred therapy

In person-centred therapy, we don’t try to silence or fight the inner critic. Instead, we become curious about it.

Together, we gently notice:

• What does your self-talk sound like?
• When does it show up?
• What words do you use towards yourself?
• Where might this voice have come from?

Within a safe, non-judgemental therapeutic relationship, there is space to hear these inner messages out loud, often for the first time. When spoken in the presence of empathy, acceptance, and understanding, their power begins to slip.

Over time, many people begin to develop a new internal voice – one that is kinder, more realistic, and more supportive. This isn’t about forced positivity or telling yourself things you don’t believe. It’s about learning to relate to yourself with compassion, honesty, and respect.

Changing how we speak to ourselves

Noticing your self-talk is often the first and most important step. You don’t have to change it straight away.

You might simply begin by asking:

• “Would I speak to someone I love this way?”
• “Is this a fact, or is it a belief I’ve carried for a long time?”
• “What might a kinder response sound like?”

As my own experience taught me (and later, my training), changing how we speak to ourselves can change how we live. When we treat ourselves with compassion, we create more space for connection – both with ourselves and with others.

You don’t have to do this alone

If negative self-talk feels deeply ingrained, you’re not failing. It makes sense. These patterns often developed as ways of coping or staying safe.

In therapy, you don’t have to arrive knowing how to be kind to yourself. That can grow, within the relationship we build together.

If you’re curious about exploring your inner voice and developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself, person-centred counselling offers a supportive place to begin.

You deserve the same care, understanding, and gentleness that you so often offer to others.

Until next time, Elaine x