Understanding Numbness in Therapy

They might be talking about something painful or significant that has happened in their life, yet their face is calm, their voice steady, sometimes, they are even smiling, as if we’re discussing the weather. Inside, they describe feeling flat, blank, disconnected, or shut down.

I feel I should say: numbness is not failure. It is not a lack of insight, and it is not something to push through or get rid of quickly.

Numbness is very often a sign that your system has been working hard to keep you safe.

Numbness as protection

For many, numbness develops when feelings were once too overwhelming, too painful, or too unsafe to fully experience. If you grew up having to cope alone, stay strong, not ‘make a fuss’, or to survive situations where emotions weren’t welcomed or supported, your body and mind may have learned an important lesson: Feeling less is safer than feeling everything.

Numbness can be a form of armour. It helps you function, get through the day, and keep going when slowing down to feel would have been too much. In that sense, numbness isn’t the problem — it’s been a solution.

And like all protective or survival strategies, it deserves respect.

What numbness looks like in the therapy room

Sometimes clients tell me about experiences that were genuinely awful — and there is little visible emotion. Other times, they might be smiling while describing something deeply painful, or speaking very matter-of-factly about events that would understandably carry a lot of feeling.

That doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there. Often, they are held very carefully, beneath the surface.

When it feels appropriate and supportive, I may gently reflect what I’m noticing — perhaps naming the mismatch between what is being said and how it’s being expressed. Not to challenge or confront, but to bring curiosity and compassion into the space.

There is no rush. We move at the client’s pace.

How we begin to reconnect with feeling

Working with numbness is a slow, respectful process. It’s not about forcing emotions, or digging for something before you’re ready. Instead, we start with awareness and safety.

I might begin by asking very simple, open questions:

• As you talk about this, do you notice any feeling at all?
• If you check in with your body, is there any sensation — even a neutral one?
• Where do you notice it?
• Does it feel tight, heavy, warm, cold, hard, soft?
• If it had a texture or a colour, what might it be?

There are no right or wrong answers. Sometimes the answer is simply ‘nothing’ — and that’s OK. We stay with that.

Over time, as trust builds and the nervous system begins to feel safer, tiny shifts may start to happen. A flicker of sadness. A wave of anger. A moment of fear. Sometimes, even relief.

When feelings begin to come through, we don’t rush past them. We notice them. We allow them. We sit with them together.

Learning that it’s safe to feel

For many clients, therapy becomes a place where they slowly learn that feelings can be experienced without being overwhelmed. That emotions rise, fall, change, and pass. That they don’t have to be fixed or pushed away.

With time, clients often become more familiar with their internal world. More able to recognise what they’re feeling. More confident that they can tolerate emotions rather than fear them.

This isn’t a quick process.
It takes time.
It takes trust.
It takes a relationship where you feel seen, accepted, and not judged for how you’ve learned to cope.

There is nothing wrong with you

If you recognise yourself in this — if you feel numb, disconnected, or unsure what you feel — please know this: your system has been doing its best to protect you.

Therapy isn’t about tearing down your defences. It’s about gently, respectfully peeling back the layers when — and only when — you feel safe enough to do so.

And when you’re ready, we do that together.
Elaine x